Bless me father, for I have sinned, he says. Except at a funeral.Demetri Martin, A guy walks into a dentists office and says, I think Im a moth., The dentist replies, You shouldnt be here. 17 of Ken Dodds most ingeniously funny jokes So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. It's stopped twerking. ", "If life givesyou melons, you might be dyslexic. Jokes You Couldn't Tell Today - YouTube What are you doing! says the husband. Thats where we come in! Could fuck up a two car funeral. There you have it. Soccer was the first sport that many of us tried. The jury comes back with the verdict. 3.. Theres just one condition. Psychology Today 2023 Sussex Publishers, LLC, Psychology and the Mystery of the "Poisoned" Schoolgirls. And for a shave? Five dollars. All right, he said, settling into the barber chair. As they are walking out of the restaurant, Jenna starts to rifle through her purse to find her keys. He got out three times to go to the bathroom., When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.Henry Youngman, A guy goes ice fishing for the very first time. The bartender says, Whatll you have? The skeleton says, Gimme a beer and a mop.. Its shift work. These jokes are a fantastic selection of humorous jokes about football that are clean and entertaining. So, the new monk goes to the head monk to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! The bouncer says, You cant come in here with a dog., He replies, Im blind and this is my seeing-eye dog., The bouncer responds, You have a Chihuahua for a seeing-eye dog?, The second guy exclaims, They gave me a Chihuahua?, I come from a stupid family. Snake 1: I just bit my lip. A man is struggling to find a parking space. A carrot. I saw a guy spill all his Scrabble letters on the road. ._1LHxa-yaHJwrPK8kuyv_Y4{width:100%}._1LHxa-yaHJwrPK8kuyv_Y4:hover ._31L3r0EWsU0weoMZvEJcUA{display:none}._1LHxa-yaHJwrPK8kuyv_Y4 ._31L3r0EWsU0weoMZvEJcUA,._1LHxa-yaHJwrPK8kuyv_Y4:hover ._11Zy7Yp4S1ZArNqhUQ0jZW{display:block}._1LHxa-yaHJwrPK8kuyv_Y4 ._11Zy7Yp4S1ZArNqhUQ0jZW{display:none} God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time. Robin Williams, 5. Both as a joke, but also because she was peeved, Alyshah then moved . A reliable jokenever fails to break the ice during social interactions, and goodness knowssome of us can use all the help we can get in those situations! An officer comes across a man who is clearly under the influence. The priest begins: When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Theseclever jokescould make anyone sound smart! "A man is at the funeral of an old friend. Im having a heart attack, cries the woman. Get to know these funny jokes for National Tell a Joke Day! What does the word contemplate mean? the college student asked his English professor. You Couldn't Handle Me Even If I Came With Instructions - Funny Husband Wife Joke Gift - 11 OZ Coffee Mug . He promptly sticks his head out the window and says: Yes, no, yes, no, yes, no, yes, no.. Honey, whats for supper?. Jokes You Couldn't Tell Today Part 3 - YouTube Do you own a doghouse? As it happens, theres a village right over the hill where a butcher is called Murphy, the baker is named Murphy, and three widows are called Murphy. Thats Mums side.. He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as hes dialing, his four-year-old son comes up and says, Daddy! Your mileage may vary. She poured some milk into the saucer and Jim did likewise. Submitted by Franklin P. Jones, One day my two children, 17-year-old Matt and 11-year-old Mitch, were having an argument. ._1QwShihKKlyRXyQSlqYaWW{height:16px;width:16px;vertical-align:bottom}._2X6EB3ZhEeXCh1eIVA64XM{margin-left:3px}._1jNPl3YUk6zbpLWdjaJT1r{font-size:12px;font-weight:500;line-height:16px;border-radius:2px;display:inline-block;margin-right:5px;overflow:hidden;text-overflow:ellipsis;vertical-align:text-bottom;white-space:pre;word-break:normal;padding:0 4px}._1jNPl3YUk6zbpLWdjaJT1r._39BEcWjOlYi1QGcJil6-yl{padding:0}._2hSecp_zkPm_s5ddV2htoj{font-size:12px;font-weight:500;line-height:16px;border-radius:2px;display:inline-block;margin-right:5px;overflow:hidden;text-overflow:ellipsis;vertical-align:text-bottom;white-space:pre;word-break:normal;margin-left:0;padding:0 4px}._2hSecp_zkPm_s5ddV2htoj._39BEcWjOlYi1QGcJil6-yl{padding:0}._1wzhGvvafQFOWAyA157okr{font-size:12px;font-weight:500;line-height:16px;border-radius:2px;margin-right:5px;overflow:hidden;text-overflow:ellipsis;vertical-align:text-bottom;white-space:pre;word-break:normal;box-sizing:border-box;line-height:14px;padding:0 4px}._3BPVpMSn5b1vb1yTQuqCRH,._1wzhGvvafQFOWAyA157okr{display:inline-block;height:16px}._3BPVpMSn5b1vb1yTQuqCRH{background-color:var(--newRedditTheme-body);border-radius:50%;margin-left:5px;text-align:center;width:16px}._2cvySYWkqJfynvXFOpNc5L{height:10px;width:10px}.aJrgrewN9C8x1Fusdx4hh{padding:2px 8px}._1wj6zoMi6hRP5YhJ8nXWXE{font-size:14px;padding:7px 12px}._2VqfzH0dZ9dIl3XWNxs42y{border-radius:20px}._2VqfzH0dZ9dIl3XWNxs42y:hover{opacity:.85}._2VqfzH0dZ9dIl3XWNxs42y:active{transform:scale(.95)} Of course, those who arent in the direct line of insult will no doubt find it hilarious! Tempting fate, I tried it on. This is why some people appear bright until they speak. Steven Wright, 33. Yes, I said. My dog is so smart, says the first owner, that every morning he waits for the paperboy to come around. Men are like Blackberries. It also helps you to face the world together as a team. You do you! Whod want to fly an airline that doesnt go all the way? Luckily I was the one facing the telly. Mom: Where buy chicken Daughter: Mom, this isnt Google. 39 of the greatest Brass Eye and Day Today quotes I thought: Hes trying to pull a fast one. It read, Mr. Tomorrow doesnt look good either., 37. He seems fine now, says the vet. Submitted by Mark Flowerdew, Fresh out of gift ideas, a man buys his mother-in-law a large plot in an expensive cemetery. Its better to be late than to arrive ugly. Marilyn Monroe, 24. Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection, except one. Being broken up with. 2021 Associated Newspapers Limited. Chuck Norris won an arm . ! Doctor: Nine.. Get ready for more witty bar jokes anyone can remember. *Results not guaranteed. How Psychologically Conditioned Rats Are Defusing Landmines, The Innate Intelligence Observed in the Dying Process. Sometimes, people just need to be told. The 20 most nonsensical quotes from the W1A team That cushion softens the blow when the inevitable bad stuff hits: misunderstanding, frustration, and disconnection. Nurse: Have you ever had a hysterectomy? Im friends with 25 letters of the alphabet. I steal food from humans. No, he responded. I remember the day I earned my first dollar, he said. 10 Likes, 0 Comments - (@zdragonqueen) on Instagram: "' . .FIYolDqalszTnjjNfThfT{max-width:256px;white-space:normal;text-align:center} Was anything wrong with them? the clerk asked. Rub one ball and everything moves., 7. But when it gets bad, I take something for it. Ken Dodd. Preparing to challenge the prof, I stood up and stopped flipping through my assignment. First, lets make sure hes dead., Theres a silence, then a shot. Reddit.com. What do you call a person who walks back and forth screaming one minute, then sits down weeping uncontrollably the next? One day, I saw him reach for the glass of dandelion water and stopped him just before he drank from it. Create an account to follow your favorite communities and start taking part in conversations. I found them. Want more of the best Readers Digest jokes of all time? I used to be freaked out too when I was alive. Ive never seen anyone run that fast! How does NASA organise a party? One turned to my father and said, Do yall put manure on your strawberries? My dad smiled, then responded, I dont know how you do things where you come from, but up here we put sugar and cream on our berries. Submitted by Stacey Hebert. Young children have a unique superpower: place a toddler in a queen-sized bed and they will find a sleeping position that ensures no one else can fit in there with them. The man stands up, clears his throat, and says 'Plethora.'. Ive decided to sell my Hoover it was just collecting dust. @keyframes _1tIZttmhLdrIGrB-6VvZcT{0%{opacity:0}to{opacity:1}}._3uK2I0hi3JFTKnMUFHD2Pd,.HQ2VJViRjokXpRbJzPvvc{--infoTextTooltip-overflow-left:0px;font-size:12px;font-weight:500;line-height:16px;padding:3px 9px;position:absolute;border-radius:4px;margin-top:-6px;background:#000;color:#fff;animation:_1tIZttmhLdrIGrB-6VvZcT .5s step-end;z-index:100;white-space:pre-wrap}._3uK2I0hi3JFTKnMUFHD2Pd:after,.HQ2VJViRjokXpRbJzPvvc:after{content:"";position:absolute;top:100%;left:calc(50% - 4px - var(--infoTextTooltip-overflow-left));width:0;height:0;border-top:3px solid #000;border-left:4px solid transparent;border-right:4px solid transparent}._3uK2I0hi3JFTKnMUFHD2Pd{margin-top:6px}._3uK2I0hi3JFTKnMUFHD2Pd:after{border-bottom:3px solid #000;border-top:none;bottom:100%;top:auto} A man tells his doctor, Help me. The bug grabbed Norm by the collar, punched him in the eye, threw him across the living room and then ran off. Tact is the ability to tell someone to go to hell in such a way that they look forward to the trip. Winston Churchill, 36. Well well wellif it isnt autocorrect. He looked me in the eyes and said, 'Son, how far do you think I can kick this bucket? Sometimes it has vinaigrette or mayonnaise. Your secrets are always safe with me. I started lusting, Father., Yes, says the priest, Lust is a dangerous sin., Theres more, says the man. I lived in the Alps rescuing avalanche victims. And now I spend my days reading to the residents of a retirement home., The guy is flabbergasted. You may not be able to get your kid to eat their greens, but you can at least get a laugh out of them at the dinner table with this comprehensive list of the funniest food jokes for kids. Id like to start with the chimney jokes Ive got a stack of them. Next week is his First Communion., I found a bear by the stream, says the minister, and preached Gods holy word. Doctor: Oh, we are in this together. How are you?, OK, says the first producer. ' Tim Vine, My grandfather invented the cold air balloon. The walls are so clean you cant run up them. Theyll be ready next Friday.Submitted by Ronald Moore, A: Cookie sheets. ._38lwnrIpIyqxDfAF1iwhcV{background-color:var(--newCommunityTheme-widgetColors-lineColor);border:none;height:1px;margin:16px 0}._37coyt0h8ryIQubA7RHmUc{margin-top:12px;padding-top:12px}._2XJvPvYIEYtcS4ORsDXwa3,._2Vkdik1Q8k0lBEhhA_lRKE,.icon._2Vkdik1Q8k0lBEhhA_lRKE{border-radius:100%;box-sizing:border-box;-ms-flex:none;flex:none;margin-right:8px}._2Vkdik1Q8k0lBEhhA_lRKE,.icon._2Vkdik1Q8k0lBEhhA_lRKE{background-position:50%;background-repeat:no-repeat;background-size:100%;height:54px;width:54px;font-size:54px;line-height:54px}._2Vkdik1Q8k0lBEhhA_lRKE._1uo2TG25LvAJS3bl-u72J4,.icon._2Vkdik1Q8k0lBEhhA_lRKE._1uo2TG25LvAJS3bl-u72J4{filter:blur()}.eGjjbHtkgFc-SYka3LM3M,.icon.eGjjbHtkgFc-SYka3LM3M{border-radius:100%;box-sizing:border-box;-ms-flex:none;flex:none;margin-right:8px;background-position:50%;background-repeat:no-repeat;background-size:100%;height:36px;width:36px}.eGjjbHtkgFc-SYka3LM3M._1uo2TG25LvAJS3bl-u72J4,.icon.eGjjbHtkgFc-SYka3LM3M._1uo2TG25LvAJS3bl-u72J4{filter:blur()}._3nzVPnRRnrls4DOXO_I0fn{margin:auto 0 auto auto;padding-top:10px;vertical-align:middle}._3nzVPnRRnrls4DOXO_I0fn ._1LAmcxBaaqShJsi8RNT-Vp i{color:unset}._2bWoGvMqVhMWwhp4Pgt4LP{margin:16px 0;font-size:12px;font-weight:400;line-height:16px}.icon.tWeTbHFf02PguTEonwJD0{margin-right:4px;vertical-align:top}._2AbGMsrZJPHrLm9e-oyW1E{width:180px;text-align:center}.icon._1cB7-TWJtfCxXAqqeyVb2q{cursor:pointer;margin-left:6px;height:14px;fill:#dadada;font-size:12px;vertical-align:middle}.hpxKmfWP2ZiwdKaWpefMn{background-color:var(--newCommunityTheme-active);background-size:cover;background-image:var(--newCommunityTheme-banner-backgroundImage);background-position-y:center;background-position-x:center;background-repeat:no-repeat;border-radius:3px 3px 0 0;height:34px;margin:-12px -12px 10px}._20Kb6TX_CdnePoT8iEsls6{-ms-flex-align:center;align-items:center;display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex;margin-bottom:8px}._20Kb6TX_CdnePoT8iEsls6>*{display:inline-block;vertical-align:middle}.t9oUK2WY0d28lhLAh3N5q{margin-top:-23px}._2KqgQ5WzoQRJqjjoznu22o{display:inline-block;-ms-flex-negative:0;flex-shrink:0;position:relative}._2D7eYuDY6cYGtybECmsxvE{-ms-flex:1 1 auto;flex:1 1 auto;overflow:hidden;text-overflow:ellipsis}._2D7eYuDY6cYGtybECmsxvE:hover{text-decoration:underline}._19bCWnxeTjqzBElWZfIlJb{font-size:16px;font-weight:500;line-height:20px;display:inline-block}._2TC7AdkcuxFIFKRO_VWis8{margin-left:10px;margin-top:30px}._2TC7AdkcuxFIFKRO_VWis8._35WVFxUni5zeFkPk7O4iiB{margin-top:35px}._1LAmcxBaaqShJsi8RNT-Vp{padding:0 2px 0 4px;vertical-align:middle}._2BY2-wxSbNFYqAy98jWyTC{margin-top:10px}._3sGbDVmLJd_8OV8Kfl7dVv{font-family:Noto Sans,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:400;line-height:21px;margin-top:8px;word-wrap:break-word}._1qiHDKK74j6hUNxM0p9ZIp{margin-top:12px}.Jy6FIGP1NvWbVjQZN7FHA,._326PJFFRv8chYfOlaEYmGt,._1eMniuqQCoYf3kOpyx83Jj,._1cDoUuVvel5B1n5wa3K507{-ms-flex-pack:center;justify-content:center;margin-top:12px;width:100%}._1eMniuqQCoYf3kOpyx83Jj{margin-bottom:8px}._2_w8DCFR-DCxgxlP1SGNq5{margin-right:4px;vertical-align:middle}._1aS-wQ7rpbcxKT0d5kjrbh{border-radius:4px;display:inline-block;padding:4px}._2cn386lOe1A_DTmBUA-qSM{border-top:1px solid var(--newCommunityTheme-widgetColors-lineColor);margin-top:10px}._2Zdkj7cQEO3zSGHGK2XnZv{display:inline-block}.wzFxUZxKK8HkWiEhs0tyE{font-size:12px;font-weight:700;line-height:16px;color:var(--newCommunityTheme-button);cursor:pointer;text-align:left;margin-top:2px}._3R24jLERJTaoRbM_vYd9v0._3R24jLERJTaoRbM_vYd9v0._3R24jLERJTaoRbM_vYd9v0{display:none}.yobE-ux_T1smVDcFMMKFv{font-size:16px;font-weight:500;line-height:20px}._1vPW2g721nsu89X6ojahiX{margin-top:12px}._pTJqhLm_UAXS5SZtLPKd{text-transform:none} While shopping for a bathroom scale, I found one that tracks not only weight but also body fat, bone mass, and water percentage. This is your great-grandma and great grandpa, I told my grandson as I handed him a photo of my parents. 4 / 20. Me: Yes. What did you write in the ad? his wife asks. Since shes in the hospital, she gets breast implants, liposuction, a tummy tuck, hair transplants, and collagen injections in her lips. For days he kept leaving little messages around the house. Thats just how I roll. I figured her sister must also be in the airline business, so I smiled and asked why. There, the nurse dressed his wound and gave him instructions on how to care for it. The odds that I got mugged twice last year because I look like the kind of guy that would calculate those odds? Inside, he sees a harmless old hound asleep on the floor. Those are the umlauts.Submitted by David Wong, While going through his deceased fathers things, a man found a 25-year-old claim stub for a shoe repair. ", "Because if they fell forwards they'd still be in the boat. The boy screams. Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward. "A thief broke into the police headquarters during the night and took all the toilets. The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, walks past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. The good stuff includes deep conversations, fun times together, laughter, and play. So now I got me a wooden peg., When me ship sank, a shark bit me hand off. Were giving you the best smartass quotes for life, breakups, comebacks, and general advice to live by. Fo drizzle! Im in your driveway., 47. These hilarious jokes about marriagewill crack you up. I also wrote a novel and got a $50,000 advance from the publisher. She has published three web humor books and six calendars, including You Had One Job! A poodle and a collie are walking together when the poodle suddenly unloads on his friend. 200 Best Reader's Digest Jokes of All Time One day, the eight-year-old had a spelling bee with her sister. The light goes on. When tea was served, the Queen removed her cup from her saucer. I find it helpful to look at a distinction I use all the time in my clinical work and teaching: intent versus impact. I dressed up my dog as a mailman for Halloween. ' Tim Vine, Somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. Its three in the morning!Anonymous, Fortune tellers are so easy to buy clothes fortheyre all mediums. 72. lifeguard air ambulance new mexico hassan has plastic surgery hassan has plastic surgery 25 of Peter Kays most ingenious jokes and one-liners One day I nearly choked on part of The Sunday Times. Milton Jones. I listened in and overheard Mitch say to Matt, Even if you were an only child, you still wouldnt be Mom and Dads favourite. Submitted by Denise Horn, While working the beverage cart at the local golf course, a customer asked me if I could go back to the previous green to see if she had left her sandwich there. Please joke responsibly. There they taught me how to be neutral. Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to back. I want to provide you with some questions to invite reflection and conversation. Hes a catholic converter. Tim Vine. The Hepatitis Bee. Milton Jones, Hedgehogs why cant they just share the hedge? Dan Antolpolski, The pollen count, now thats a difficult job. But in honour of Saint Patrick, I thought Id buy you a sham-rock.Anonymous, My wifes clinic called my home number to tell me that they couldnt accept 911 as her emergency contact. But doesnt that suit fit great?. In fact, my name is Murphy., Aha, thought the agent, heres my man. So he whispered the secret code: The sun is shining the grass is growing the cows are ready for milking., Oh, said the farmer, youre looking for Murphy the spy. Alyshah Mehdi, a 19-year-old from Karachi, Pakistan, has been friends with a guy named Shayyan for a while, but lately, they've had "beef going on" between them, she told BuzzFeed News. Youre not trying to get a laugh in most cases, youre trying to insult. The apprentice did just as he was told. Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals. Peter Kay. Its from Uncle Ben. ", "I didn't know my dad was a construction site thief, but when I got home all the signs were there. Up in heaven, she sees God. I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. shein voucher code first order; russ rose salary penn state; bluestacks text not showing; wordle alternative game; what is marco scutaro doing now Bonnie, he says, Larry is doing fine! ", "I'll never forget my grandfather's last words to me before he kicked the bucket. You cross my mind only on Thursday morning. Without hesitation, the man replies, "Cool, which drugs are we testing?". He replied, Only if she starts hanging out at hardware stores and buys a lot of power tools.. 50 of Tim Vines most ingenious jokes and one-liners Why couldn't the all-star football player listen to music? Brand: Top Craft Case. Boy, it sure is creepy out here, says the first outlaw. Reproduction without explicit permission is prohibited. "Women are like iPhones. It took half a century, but hippies finally won. Ruth Buzzi, actor, Interesting fact: a shark will only attack you if youre wet. Sean Lock, comedian, Two guys stole a calendar. ' . Jenna and Bill are finishing up a dinner date. Explanation: "No joke" has a double meaning here. Do you own a doghouse? Hello, said the agent, Im looking for a man called Murphy., Well youre in luck, said the farmer. One day, I was brushing my teeth in the restroom before a flight when a woman walked in. I approached the speaker and placed my order: a Big Mac, large fries and a chocolate shake. If youre cooler than me, would that make me hotter than you?, 12. 49 of Monty Pythons funniest jokes I needed a password eight characters long, so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves. Nick Helm. The steaks are too high. Submitted by Tommy Cooper, As an assisted-living caregiver, I have a 92-year-old client, Margaret, with whom I bake cookies. Want to know whether you should be kicking your lover to the curb? Can I join you? Why, am I falling apart? I replied. Today I saw something that reminded me of you. The young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. Why cant you explain puns to kleptomaniacs? Im just mean and people think Im joking., 35. And how are the American students, Donald? she asked. Submitted by Isaac Sargent, I was staying in a hotel where the towels were so thick that I could hardly close my suitcase. Thats why in the Navy the Captain goes down with the ship.Dick Gregory, Father buys a lie detector that makes a loud beep whenever somebody tells a lie. Couldn't find his way through a maze even if the rats helped him. Tap To Copy. Theres a nasty bug going around.Submitted by D.G. If anything, it made him more sluggish. Sorry, Im not Adele. I couldn't believe the . The best of thymes, the worst of thymes. Why would you post that sign? Before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him.Submitted by L.B. 76 FUNNY Football Jokes That Will Land You A Score All you need to do is take seven lemons, squeeze the juice into a glass and drink the juice. Will that cleanse my sin from me? No, but itll wipe that stupid smile off your face.Submitted by Edward F. Castellanos, You wont be able to un-see these funny stock photos. He knows when to stop.Submitted by Ken Zavislik, The manager of a jewellery store nabs a shoplifter trying to steal a necklace. .Rd5g7JmL4Fdk-aZi1-U_V{transition:all .1s linear 0s}._2TMXtA984ePtHXMkOpHNQm{font-size:16px;font-weight:500;line-height:20px;margin-bottom:4px}.CneW1mCG4WJXxJbZl5tzH{border-top:1px solid var(--newRedditTheme-line);margin-top:16px;padding-top:16px}._11ARF4IQO4h3HeKPpPg0xb{transition:all .1s linear 0s;display:none;fill:var(--newCommunityTheme-button);height:16px;width:16px;vertical-align:middle;margin-bottom:2px;margin-left:4px;cursor:pointer}._1I3N-uBrbZH-ywcmCnwv_B:hover ._11ARF4IQO4h3HeKPpPg0xb{display:inline-block}._2IvhQwkgv_7K0Q3R0695Cs{border-radius:4px;border:1px solid var(--newCommunityTheme-line)}._2IvhQwkgv_7K0Q3R0695Cs:focus{outline:none}._1I3N-uBrbZH-ywcmCnwv_B{transition:all .1s linear 0s;border-radius:4px;border:1px solid var(--newCommunityTheme-line)}._1I3N-uBrbZH-ywcmCnwv_B:focus{outline:none}._1I3N-uBrbZH-ywcmCnwv_B.IeceazVNz_gGZfKXub0ak,._1I3N-uBrbZH-ywcmCnwv_B:hover{border:1px solid var(--newCommunityTheme-button)}._35hmSCjPO8OEezK36eUXpk._35hmSCjPO8OEezK36eUXpk._35hmSCjPO8OEezK36eUXpk{margin-top:25px;left:-9px}._3aEIeAgUy9VfJyRPljMNJP._3aEIeAgUy9VfJyRPljMNJP._3aEIeAgUy9VfJyRPljMNJP,._3aEIeAgUy9VfJyRPljMNJP._3aEIeAgUy9VfJyRPljMNJP._3aEIeAgUy9VfJyRPljMNJP:focus-within,._3aEIeAgUy9VfJyRPljMNJP._3aEIeAgUy9VfJyRPljMNJP._3aEIeAgUy9VfJyRPljMNJP:hover{transition:all .1s linear 0s;border:none;padding:8px 8px 0}._25yWxLGH4C6j26OKFx8kD5{display:inline}._2YsVWIEj0doZMxreeY6iDG{font-size:12px;font-weight:400;line-height:16px;color:var(--newCommunityTheme-metaText);display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex;padding:4px 6px}._1hFCAcL4_gkyWN0KM96zgg{color:var(--newCommunityTheme-button);margin-right:8px;margin-left:auto;color:var(--newCommunityTheme-errorText)}._1hFCAcL4_gkyWN0KM96zgg,._1dF0IdghIrnqkJiUxfswxd{font-size:12px;font-weight:700;line-height:16px;cursor:pointer;-ms-flex-item-align:end;align-self:flex-end;-webkit-user-select:none;-ms-user-select:none;user-select:none}._1dF0IdghIrnqkJiUxfswxd{color:var(--newCommunityTheme-button)}._3VGrhUu842I3acqBMCoSAq{font-weight:700;color:#ff4500;text-transform:uppercase;margin-right:4px}._3VGrhUu842I3acqBMCoSAq,.edyFgPHILhf5OLH2vk-tk{font-size:12px;line-height:16px}.edyFgPHILhf5OLH2vk-tk{font-weight:400;-ms-flex-preferred-size:100%;flex-basis:100%;margin-bottom:4px;color:var(--newCommunityTheme-metaText)}._19lMIGqzfTPVY3ssqTiZSX._19lMIGqzfTPVY3ssqTiZSX._19lMIGqzfTPVY3ssqTiZSX{margin-top:6px}._19lMIGqzfTPVY3ssqTiZSX._19lMIGqzfTPVY3ssqTiZSX._19lMIGqzfTPVY3ssqTiZSX._3MAHaXXXXi9Xrmc_oMPTdP{margin-top:4px} She seemed surprised. As he tried to catch his breath, the passenger said, Im sorry I gave you a joltit was my fault. No, it was mine, the driver said. Keep these funny holiday jokes in mind for your next party! The detective asks, Is that your husband? Yes, replies the woman. You were my cup of tea, but I drink champagne now., 13. When he touches it, a genie comes forth. 50 of the funniest (and most puerile) quotes from The Inbetweeners Not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car. You could read it as "seriously" or as "a joke didn't walk into the . The wife says that yes, he could. No! yells the woman, slamming the door in his face. Well done, you managed to deliver the perfect insult or smartass line. He was a great vet. My granddad has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from London Zoo. Cant you just tell me?Submitted by Dana Thayer. Thinking this was pretty funny, I drove past even slower three more times, laughing as the camera snapped away each time I drove by at a snails pace. I kill their plants and I love mischief. No more Mr Rice Guy. Tim Vine, My mother made us eat all sorts of vitamins and supplements. | @keyframes ibDwUVR1CAykturOgqOS5{0%{transform:rotate(0deg)}to{transform:rotate(1turn)}}._3LwT7hgGcSjmJ7ng7drAuq{--sizePx:0;font-size:4px;position:relative;text-indent:-9999em;border-radius:50%;border:4px solid var(--newCommunityTheme-bodyTextAlpha20);border-left-color:var(--newCommunityTheme-body);transform:translateZ(0);animation:ibDwUVR1CAykturOgqOS5 1.1s linear infinite}._3LwT7hgGcSjmJ7ng7drAuq,._3LwT7hgGcSjmJ7ng7drAuq:after{width:var(--sizePx);height:var(--sizePx)}._3LwT7hgGcSjmJ7ng7drAuq:after{border-radius:50%}._3LwT7hgGcSjmJ7ng7drAuq._2qr28EeyPvBWAsPKl-KuWN{margin:0 auto} I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said Analogue? I said No, just a watch. A book just fell on my head. 2. You havent been here a while, havent you? I asked. Why did the chicken go to the sance? Then they responded, confused, Excuse me, maam, but youre at Tim Hortons. Submitted by Wendy Singedonk. 25 of Charlie Brookers most cutting jokes and insults What are similar phrases like "You couldn't kick a tire - reddit Lets explore the role of humor in an intimate relationship. Dont miss these hilarious real life prank stories! Submitted by Timothy Manganaro, A Dubliner proposes to his girlfriend on St. Patricks Day and gives her a ring with a synthetic diamond. Thanks to them, it's easier than ever to memorize one or two quips to fill those awkward silences at your next backyard barbecue.