There were several problems that led to the death of that relationship, but communication (on both sides) was for sure one of them. Ok so Ive been wanting to go to this play, I was thinking of going to the Friday night show or the Saturday matinee, would you be interested in one of those dates?. I miss you though, can we plan dinner soon? And I have a date Saturday, but I would love to get a phone call-catchup on the calendar if youre freemaybe Sunday afternoon? (These examples are all people I want to spend time with I also use a lot of swamped this weekend! I m trying to understand the other side, all those people who say they do this to make declining easier, but it just makes no sense to me. (Like just because I have no plans, I must do the Thing she wants to do. So I got in the habit of saying, I have no plans and thats just the way I like it. You know the parent is deliberately being controlling if that wont work for me gets any variation on, BUT WHYYYYYYYYYYY.. My blood pressure. I am on the spectrum, so I would anxiety-spiral about whether, once again, I missed a basic social skill everyone else learned in kindergarten. Theres an important underlying truth here that I think we all have trouble with: We are not required to answer every question put to us. If you want! Me: Nope. Ive learned also that its ok to be a deer in the headlights if Im caught off guard bc I can always invent something shortly after or next day and say whoops forgot I had x. Important points about both solutions is a) she gets to participate in the decision and doesnt just get told and b) she makes her own timetable about chores. Yeah, I ask this of people because Im making conversation! For people Im close enough to be snarky with Its depends Are you asking for fun or work?, I like this, but Id go maximum snark and phrase it as, Is this about business or pleasure?, I say Ill have to check. Another is that people your daughters age and under have grown up under a level of surveillance never before seen in the entire history of the human species. I never thought about the fact that some people might be actually trying to relieve the pressure! If you want to push them to just say why they want to know, ask. An alternative then is to actually mention the fact that you are sending them an email. I think the reason is that telling people about fun things is potentially fairly personal. There are some funny responses to "what are you going to do with your life" for when your family keeps asking you the same dull questions. Yep, my wife and I too. You know the parent is deliberately being controlling if that wont work for me gets any variation on, BUT WHYYYYYYYYYYY. Great! Examples include: I'm so glad you reached out to me! There are still traces of that damage; Im still mad about it. Oh, the usual, you? Or something. So, sometimes it is a trap! But it can still be frustrating to deal with. 3. But its all about context, and thats not the context the LW is talking about. And if someone is trying to open a debate about the validity of your plans vs. what they want you to be doing, it is a refusal to take the podium. Nowadays I usually use The Captains great script: I do not know yet, I have to check my calendar. Its aggravating, but it makes sense. Anyway, the grad students said one woman asked, How do you think she got like that? and others nodded with pursed lips, agreeing that there was something wrong there. Him: Nothing fun? I suspect some of the people who are giving a vaguer yeah to the lets hang out have answered what they thought was an actual suggestion with Saturdays are good for me and gotten um, er, Im kind of busy these days, Ill call you and never hearing back. And just because my plans dont include hanging out with anyone or leaving my home, it doesnt mean that I am free or willing to cancel them. Its okay that sometimes my anxiety is bad. So the onus is on you, when talking to a new person, to communicate that youre just interested in exchanging chitchat about what everybody did/will do over the weekend. Fine, thanks, and you? Im an introvert that needs enough time in my week for quieter things around my own home without people. Me: Nope. See also: people who wont pick a restaurant, when the answer to every question is whatever you want.***. 1. Thats the way to go. It's to funny for everybody. You know the people youre interacting with and their likely motivations better than we do, of course. Now most parents dont really mean anything bad by this (theyre just used to being able to control their childs time and havent stopped to consider thats a rude way to treat an adult), so responding every time they try this with, Why, whats up? wont be a problem, followed by, that wont work for me if the invitation isnt something the adult child wants to do. In fact there the joke of cant do that, I have to.. (silly excuse of having plans like go wash my hair) that day illustrating that sometimes the white lie of making up plans is an easy way to get out of doing something. I think my aunt asks this question for the same reason you do. Its just a formulaic greeting. I used to feel guilty about that until I framed it in my mind that its disingenuous to ask about my weekend as entrapment instead of asking me an honest question. I always respond to casual/formulaic how are you questions with something positive, specific, and widely approachable. Im glad for the above scripts! Im struggling not so much w/ her being at home as I am w/ my worries about her, and with trying to decide whats the best thing for me to doapply pressure? Its really cool to see how other people approach this stuff and I liked learning from your comment! But then theres her Im going to need you to be my helper for Christmas Day because Im getting older, and that doesnt seem so presumptuousits MY Christmas Day and MY extended family too. Since LW was talking about very short-term questions, I certainly hope no one is asking because they need to tell the caterer! 3. !" I am sure this is going to get attacked for scaremongering and concern-trolling, but I mean, yeah. If youre female and you answer, and then he decides your time sounds like it should be at his disposal and asks for a date, and you dont want to go, now youre stuck in that ugly probabilistic space where various sorts of threats, anger, and violence may be coming at you. Jackpot! This, maybe prefaced with mostly working or some generic busy thing. If I always have to be the one reaching out, that can feel either like the emotional and planning labor are being taken for granted, or like they dont actually care whether they see me. Published: August 09, 2021. Shes right to find it othering and exhausting. LW has a LOT of reason to be bugged by this approach to seeking a date it carries a hefty implied threat because of what abusive men in our society have built it into en masse. My mom recently moved from but why? to Ok, I guess you dont love me which is actually a sign things are going my way because its not a direct question. She's asking because she's interested in your plans specifically. Nothing special. Hey, dont you owe me one for babysitting last Onesday? My range is from fine, thanks, and you to tired but otherwise good to a real answer but nothing too dark or detailed. Yes, my current circles understand introversion well, even the ones who themselves are extraverts . They dont really need the details, and wouldnt know what to do with them. ' If you ' re studying, doing homework or anything else you deem daunting, this is a great text to send your crush. Whenever people accept this answer, I know I am dealing with human beings who understand their goodness as a constant learning process. Alternately, I am sleeping the whole weekend. We all walk the kids to school together and she started calling in at our house every. ***I realize some people do not have strong preferences about things I have read the CA letters about this very subject and sometime it is okay to say you dont have a preference, but it never hurts to actually engage in the decision making process instead of just dumping it all on another person. As for rentpart of my problem with that is: I would never, ever rent a room to a non-family member. Whaaaaaat. So when you talk about watching her leisure time and knowing how she spends it all, I hear a situation that would be psychologically unhealthy for a teenager, let alone someone in their mid-twenties. She asked me if we were doing anything on a certain day and I was like I cant think of what it is right now but we are definitely doing something that day. She then mentioned a big thing that was on in town this week and yes, that was in fact the thing that we were going to, so I was like Yes! But then again, Im always the person who answers strangers who say Are you X person with Who wants to know?. How hard is it, whats the timing, is it just for me personally (thats a favor), or is it for the greater familyHER greater family? (this one may not be my wheelhouse anyway, no translation needed. 3.If LW does not want to do the babysitting or isnt available for it on weekends, that should be a separate conversation with those people and maybe set of boundaries to discuss with them. I can see how doing anything on thee weekend is small talk, but that would only count if the person is someone you are not on visiting terms with, like most of my colleagues. I dont want to give you a rundown of my plans. Another example: My parents both corrected their local accents to American Standard Television English long before I was born, so I grew up with that accent myself. The people who are asking what are you doing this weekend? before making a request are taking away the LWs easy out that is, by getting LW to admit that he/she/they are free, the option to refuse with Oh, sorry, I have plans already is no longer there. If partying and watching Netflix is the only thing you dream of doing, don't pretend that you spend your days filling out job applications. My ILs do this. Ill assume thats the case and check back later. (So Tuesday is the only day safe from that question, ha. Situation #4: You have to say "no.". LW, if it makes you feel any better, when many people ask this question, they arent doing it to trap you into something (though some are, of course). Just wow. Why? And I understand many of your points. We can debate all day whether that should be true, but it is. I really wish I had some better scripts to deal with this stuff how do I limit our contact with her to a level where the kids and I are still happy to see her, without pissing her off? Funny Responses to "What Are You Doing?" What does it look like I'm doing? Sometimes my kids and I need that to be family time, so were going to block that out going forward., one of those people who force you to be blunt., Indeed, do say to her: Im going to ask you guys to walk to school on your own; trying to coordinate with your family is simply too much stress for us. I guess I run with a very specific social crowd and it hasnt occurred to me in a while that its not always doable to say Im going to do CRAFTS ALONE, its going to be awesome. But I used to be in a grad program where people were super competitive, and if I said oh my god Im going to stay in this weekend, Im so peopled-out people would be lowkey mean about how I wasnt networking/studying/running charity marathons enough. He's finally seen the light and realized you're meant to be together took him long enough. Maybe you can Google it. Is that the best you've got. Fine, thanks.. You have actually internalized a very common social rule. LW was quite clear that the coercive uses of it are the problem that makes LW resentful, which is not at all an extreme response, but a healthy one. Even when its not meant as a hostile act (merely as an exoticising one thats so cool/I used to want to travel there/is it true that people there do x) being othered never feels welcoming. So the question layers, starting with are you free Saturday? Are a strategy Ive used to hopefully take the pressure off other people. If you have people in your life who you trust not to get offended at this exchange, definitely give this method a try. Enter your email address to follow this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email. Okay, there is something a bit screwy with this guy. *Him: Hello, how are you? I really thought that an invitation was going to come later. You don't want to end up like your crazy aunt who keeps asking you the same question during every holiday dinner. I get you wanting to be met at the airport under those circumstances. Mentioning your actual plans is one. Thursday is awful for me rushing all day invites the questioner to drop the topic, and Nothing, how about you invites the questioner to ask you to the fun thing. Boy, do I need it. But of course Im going to judge her reason for refusing. 1. Im talking about the OMG, how can you feel that way?! You can also better manage your time because you can text her at anytime you want. Good luck! People hinting around leading up to asking for dates: Pretty much the same deal, only much more dangerous. Of course, YMMV, and you know your family and the situation better than I do. You on the other hand, will get off the phone feeling charged and energized.and get right back to doing nothing. Do not copy, print, or repost entire posts elsewhere without written permission. If the asker tends to demand stuff from me, Im likely to claim Ill be busy. You're not obligated to tell others your plans for the future, if you even have them. Excellent insight and analysis. Maybe I wont be all that interested in helping her someday. See, shes trying to force you to perform niceness and capitulate because its hard to think of a way to get rid of her that wont make you look like a bitch not performing socially-mandatory niceness. 2. Specific questions and order thereof arent quite the point. I dont give any indication as to what I am up to until they tell me what they are up to. You might not know exactly what you want to do in life, but you certainly know what you don't want to do. Im well aware of that risk. If they want to tell you about their kids, they can. It doesnt actually mean how are you? in the same way that goodbye does not actually mean God be with you. What it means is, I acknowledge you, fellow human being. In some ways, its helpful to think of it not as a phrase but as a pair of words: how-are-you, fine-thanks-and-you. If the emphasis is on you its just a greeting. No.. I really like this point! As far as I can tell both we should hang out sometime/lets have lunch and yeah, we should can translate to you are a nice person I have run into on the street or to I want to see you, lets make plans.. It always made me think I looked tired or upset or maybe there was something wrong with my hair, because its the sort of thing I would only ask a friend/acquaintance/student if it seemed like they were distressed. Oof this is hard, because how you deal with it can and will vary so wildly depending upon whos doing the asking of you. This is just a funny response to give because it is the opposite of what they had asked just you. Apologize IMMEDIATELY and never ask me that again!. It changed how I felt about her for a long time. Sometimes people respond in a very vague way (oh just some family stuff), which will tell me that its private or they just dont want to discuss it with me and Ill drop it and switch topics. So I said, Dont do this. I have a couple of friends/acquaintances(sp? I actually liked her kid, and if shed just said she needed a sitter instead of tricking me into it, I wouldnt have minded babysitting.I ended up filling that child with sugar and caffeinated soda (he had a grand time), and forever answering Im so busy, ugh to all future questions about my plans. Im one of those foreigners who are mystified with the use of How are you? in the US. Im not talking about not dealing with this. "I'll get back to you once I'm back from my long-awaited trip to the fridge.". You can help!'. Its been pretty good policy.) It seems to me to have grown somehow out of how do you do, to which the appropriate response was, of course, how do you do. Point 1 also notes that LW apparently finds the small-talk aspect unusually invasive ze doesnt wish to share zir plans at all, while many people consider this to be a low-stakes social bonding ritual. We also told our children when they were growing up that they could use us as an excuse any time they felt pressured or uncomfortable saying no for themselves. Every time you see Pushy Neighbor, you go into this mode. When a friend asks and I find out that I am busy I often offer some other day to show them that I am interested in hanging out with them. Jumping from Are you doing anything on the 3rd? to I need to know if youre coming on the 3rd so I know how many pies to bake! would be really confusing. A playful Why, whats up? is cool, but I am probably not compatible friends with someone whose response to a polite-small-talk/soft-invite-opening is to demand why I am asking such a nosy question. Personally, Id recommend not babysitting at all for six months to allow cousin the time to get used to the idea that LW is not cousins handmaiden, then seeing if LW can re-engage with the cousin in a mutually respectful manner. No way. I have not observed him asking this many questions to other bank customers, not that I hang out in there much, and maybe they give him more satisfactory/interesting answers). Catching up on sleep, doing chores, spending time with my partner. Thank you for a better way to ask this question. What about you?. Folding the dishes. Plus they have the freedom to say Nah, cant on Saturday, but Im free Friday or whatever. You'll Get Eaten Last. Thats fair. heres what i dont get: why would it be a problem, in the scenario youve given, to say, eh, i wish, but im swamped this week, shitYXZs been happening, ill ping you next week tho. When Ive used it outside of the US and on people who are not Anglophones from birth, its often perceived as prying which, in those countries, it is. Try to be kind and positive in your response. I would think that any event for which one needs to book a venue and/or hire a caterer would also be the sort of event to which one sends some sort of formal invitation, which is not really the case for the situations the LW describes. I also like the advice to just tell people I interact with regularly that I dont like that question. We had to interrupt her to say, We = mom and me, and you got mad so fast, we never got to say would you like to come along? The LW is getting socially trapped, and needs a selection of answers that are vague while also claiming her right to her time. Whereas a lot of us see the advantages, like the precision you noticed, to some form of rapid written communication that wasnt around decades ago. Him: You must be doing something. (Wriggle your hips) I am as happy as a tick on a big, fat doggy. I think feeling unsafe crosses the line where a relationship cant be repaired. Me: No can do. Or only if you consider it important? Can you babysit for me? Oh, Im sorry, but Im visiting my in-laws that day. It can feel and be interpreted as quite awkward/rude/offensive/surprising to respond with just No, I dont want to or No, Im not up for that Of course it would be so much healthier if everyone we interact with had taken Captain Awkward 101: Accepting Refusals Gracefully, but the fact is, for many people its much more comfortable to offer an excuse to soften a no. So setting a rent that I would for any other adult is simply not applicable. I also get your daughter refusing to comply with requests that arent made with at least normal adult civility it was not even a request, in fact, but an order. [Reposting because it looks like my first comment was eaten.]. After reading comments, Ive come to the conclusion that Ive over-generalized my preference (anxiety? I dislike being asked this question too, except in my case its more that I dont want to be asked this question by coworkers, ever. 2. My introvert self doesnt like last-minute extroverting.). With strangers (e.g., cashiers) and other people you dont know personally well (casual acquaintances, colleagues with whom you are not also friends, etc. Every weekend! Weekend gone! 1. By formal invitation, Im not necessarily meaning an engraved invitation, like for a wedding or other fairly formal event. I wanted to stayyou can make why do you ask? be a friendly lineand you probably should. I use the phrase same old stuff! In this situation. Im white and an immigrant in the country where I live. Its a lot easier (for me anyway) to answer when I know what Im answering. I was never taught that was the correct answer. I completely agree, it is always best to begin with the intention: I need a babysitter, I am planning a board game evening, I would love to spend time with you and catch up. Then there is the Miss Manners rebuff, where the pitch is level until the final word is raised. How can I ask in a way that minimizes that feeling? (A couple of these people suuuucked like, I thought I was safe with studying until a couple of people started telling me that that was interesting because we were in the same classes and they just ~got the material better~ and didnt need to study at all this week. Them : Ah, then Ill get back to you (They never get back to you). But for the LW when its potential datepeople, I do find that, Not sure yet why, do you have something fun in mind? has a pretty decent response rate. I ticked the following boxes: 1) had conversation, 2) got her to talk about herself, 3) gave her questions so she could talk about herself some more to make her feel good, 4) she was talking to me, AND I saw her smile! Which is odd, because if anyone has an aura of genius around them, she does. My father nearly died in my arms, and you cant meet me at the airport to show me you love me, because you dont like being told what to do? Its not really surprising when you think about the mechanics of it its basically stereotype threat / stereotype threat removed. Are you asking where are you from of every person you meet the first time, or only of those whose appearance/accent makes you suspect they are not from your locality? Are you doing anything this Thursday night? whyyyy do you need to know? "Better days are coming. It gives them nothing, and forces them to divulge their plans. Two main reasons that I can see: 1) They want to get to know you better and talking about how you like to spend your weekend is often a great way to do that. Read also. To me layering (which I definitely do) is more about putting my information out there first and hinting that Ill be chill if you say no, as opposed to initiating the conversation while asking the other person to show their cards first, which feels at the least unfair, and at the most, as you say, like a trap. Helen Huntingdon mentioned interruptingI just want to say, thats a helluva an assumption. That wasnt an assumption it came directly from what you posted about deciding to take her leisure time. I'm going to say this to my parents. From the sound of it, this is a dynamic already in place where LW faces various sorts of family opprobrium if LW turns down the cousin, and this is what LW is reacting to. I feel like something mundane like chores will get some pushback, or wont be seen as a task that takes up the whole day(s) off (if I do laundry Saturday, I can still go out Sunday! Hi / hello + [thing I want to talk about] can almost seem too abrupt in that context, particularly among peers. This week is bad for me, but next week Im free except Tuesday. You can be too busy for a request, or have no conflict if you want. The thing about she is family, and I expect family to do X is: Who decides what is necessary, when is it necessary, and who needs to do it? In fact, you probably have all of these thoughts when a guy asks, "What are you doing this weekend?". There is no need to think about what they're up to or why they sent you the . I dont know. I think this is a lot clearer in other contexts. Why not set up a rent in dollars or set hours of work, and have done? If it doesnt work with my schedule, I will tell you. I like your point that it does actually give people the outyouve put it in their minds that they can say Im busy., Its what I dothough I often try to say the thing first (Want to go to a movie? I would actually be pretty weirded out by a friend who a) felt this was genuinely intrusive BUT b) also would not actually tell me they felt this was too intrusive. Thats possibly reasonable to do with a minor child, but youre still acting to preserve a parental level of dominance over her as an adult. Why do you ask, why, is something happening, and why, whats up are different answers that extend the convo while not telling porkies. Thanks for the invite though!. Are you willing? or, if Im feeling that Im entitled to demand it, Ill say, are you available? (example: Im not going to react well if you want to play Minecraft instead of helping me wrap the favors for grandpas birthday dinner; if youre getting together with friends, online or IRL, or doing homework, OK). During [business_hours] that's usually within a couple of hours. Me: Nope. Why does it need taking care of?? . I like why do you ask? as a pre-programmed autoresponse, because it leaves room for them to stay, just wondering if you have fun plans, or making conversation.. Does that mean that these women would get constant requests for free tech support? I also find why do you ask? really handy as a polite way to signal someone is being nosy. What are you doing for dinner? And that goes triple if youre less privileged. I find the amount of people suggesting this interesting. In a lot of cases I dont think its meant to be manipulative, its just a verbal tic. 126 followers. Soft invites in my friend circle are more just a mutually understood shorthand for I value your friendship so Im going to express a genuine desire to hang out even were both depressed and introverted and therefore the likelihood of this actually happening is pretty low.. What are you doing tomorrow? Vacuuming the cat. If you're worried your co-workers or boss will assume you need more to do if you don't talk about your heavy workload, go for this response. In ways that I doubt he even always notices. My white mom has a very unusual first name (I dont know of anyone with a name that is even similar, AND its spelled with a non-English character) and, 40 years after she moved to the US people still ask her where shes from. I agree with you based on what shes told me, it feels very othering, and she resents it. They dont ask if you want to do the thing and then you are able to tell them (and if you were busy, youd probably mention that when declining). What are you doing this weekend? A: I'm planning to just take it easy. I am fond of: Oh, you know how it is. LW, one of the things you could do is take a hobby (or pretend to) and have that as your backup plans. You have attached a new question to an old thread. 1) Let the weekend memes begin! If one of us is dropping the ball about getting back to you, say so. Your kids are loud. What to Say: "Thank you, I had a great weekend.".