37. I dont need excuses, because I never mess things up. 155. 3. I know that I am intelligent, because I know that I know nothing. Then, think about how easy it would be to say a simple statement to yourself throughout the day. The only power you have is the word no. 1. I train my body. People wont be going to bed thinking about that one bad joke you made. I heard a great joke about amnesia but I forgot it. - Benjamin Franklin. 118. 102. However, just saying these statements out loud wont cut it. 55. I didnt mean to push all your buttons, I was just looking for the mute button. The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits. Today, I acknowledge the time I have spent over the week. And a funny bone. 197. In life, sometimes you just need to break the tension with a little humor. The only power you have is the word no. 243. The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one. Oscar Wilde, 5. 61. 131. If Cinderellas shoe fit perfectly, then why did it fall off? If lying was a job some people would be billionaires. 10. Also read: 70+ Positive Affirmations For Teens From Parents. 5. 1. 11. Dont forget that you get 24 hours, even on your worst day. Forget the butterflies, I feel the entire zoo in my stomach when Im with you. Lord, keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth., 9. I dont care! "We . I enjoy every minute of it. 263. How do astronomers organize a party? It is already tomorrow in Australia.". Loving yourself and believing in yourself is the first step in making these funny positive affirmations work for you. If you were able to believe in Santa Claus for 8 -9 years, you can believe in yourself for at least 5 minutes. Wake up and smell the birdshit on your windshield., 10. Ive made it from the bed to the couch. When and How to Let Them Know, How To Cheer Yourself Up When Feeling Down, 5 Things To Discuss With Your Partner Before Marriage, Funny Positive Affirmations For Self-Esteem, 50+ Powerful Positive Affirmations For Exams, 70+ Positive Affirmations For Teens From Parents. 19. Cry a river. 2. 136. Walter Bagehot. If you have crazy friends you have everything youll ever need. In between, I am alive., 7. They say dont try this at home so Im coming over to your house to try it. Every day, read them aloud for the best results. 68. Send me the link. Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died. 251. I ve had great success using daily affirmations for my personal development. I will create my own magic like my name is J. K. Rowling. 57. Life is filled with highs and lows, stress and anxiety, so sometimes some funny and positive words will help you lighten up on an encouraging note. Enjoy! 56. 8. As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in schools. If everyone knew what I was thinking, I would get punched in the face a lot. Can February march? You may feel a little embarrassed and vulnerable. Wilson Mizner, 262. 264. Waiting until the movie starts to eat your popcorn, hardest thing in the world. Funny Wednesday Work Quotes. 227. Today I will embrace the poop., 7. I am enough. If only common sense were more common. Sam Levenson 1. Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city. 170. 232. I now pronounce you man and wife, you may now change your Facebook status. 178. Never let your best friends get lonely, keep disturbing them. Youre born free, then youre taxed to death. 75. 176. My wallet is like an onion, opening it makes me cry. Sometimes the M is silent. Love your enemies. Your habits become your values. Pardon me, I have 6 pounds of boneless mass to get rid of. Most of the articles that Ive written about affirmations are about more serious topics: Lets keep things a little lighter in this article shall we? Socrates. "Being funny doesn't take much effort.". 201. I thought you said extra fries. - Irish Saying. 150. 94. Does it count if you say them in your mind? "Lord, keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth.". happy. I wish my wallet came with free refills. Wouldnt exercise be more fun if calories screamed while you burned them? You know you are lazy when you get excited about canceling your plans. Which affirmation put a smile on your face? 40. Of course, I talk to myself, sometimes I need expert advice. My room is like the Bermuda triangle, stuff goes in and is never seen again. Its what it is supposed to be, dont overthink and let it go. Home: Where I can look ugly and not care. I now pronounce you man and wife, you may now change your Facebook status. "I am becoming humorous day by day.". I am capable of rewriting my grievances and transforming my fears. 229. If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the up button. 73. "When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.". A person with a great sense of humor is also more likable. Bill Murray. Sam Levenson 214. 36. My friends are like rocks, they help me through hard times. I solemnly swear that I am up to no good. Shoot for the moon. I should have theme music every time I enter a room. 128. It changes your perception and these short positive affirmations have a way of changing the way you look at yourself and feel more confident. 17. 103. 77. A mind is like a parachute. If I want a squirrel to like me, I guess I gotta act like a nut. .People who enjoy making other people laugh are also known to be more detail oriented. Whatever you must do todaydo it with the confidence of a 4-year-old in a Batman cape., 2. They allow you to focus on the positive and what is working in your life rather than dwelling on the negative. Bill Murray, 260. Doing nothing is hard, you never know when youre done. I am here to live to the fullest. I dont need you to remind me of my age at work, I have a bladder that will do that for me., 8. Hello little voice inside my head, please just shut up., 14. Sincerely, yourself. 157. Since not all of us are blessed with the ability to throw a joke the right way, we thought of helping you out by giving you these ridiculously short funny quotes. I am the sunshine even when its gloomy outside. A wishbone. Today, I choose to put on my positive pants. You never know what you have, until you clean your closet. Gary Delaney, 248. Good morning! Sincerely, the floor. I am strong and getting stronger every day. 269. 142. Never let a fool kiss you, or a kiss fool you. 72. I radiate calmness and tranquility, with a little side of body odor. 155. I am thankful for all those difficult people in my life. Ben Hogan. I am my childs greatest comfort. Im old enough to know better, but young enough to do it anyway. Best friends eat your food. 68. The rhythm of the weekend, with its birth, its planned gaieties, and its announced end, followed the rhythm of life and was a substitute for it. You kill vegetarian vampires with a steak to the heart. - Bob Hope. Why did the school kids eat their homework? But you can always be immature. IRS: Weve got what it takes to take what you have got. As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in schools. Diet rule #1: If nobody sees you eating it, it doesnt contain any calories. 96. My feelings are just like acquaintances, they come and go., 5. 25. I have a healthy body, tranquil mind and a vibrant soul. 27. Whenever I clean my closet I take a GPS with me, so I can find my way back. 97. I never apologize. With great power comes an even greater electricity bill. I receive what I believe. How Do People Share The News About Their Engagements? I always find something funny in every situation. 121. Work smarter, not for owning iPhones, but for not fearing their breaks. Today Im going to reach for the stars so that I can air out my armpits. Whoever said great things come in small packages hasnt seen my big screen TV. Making everyone angry, piece of cake. The chains on my mood swing just snapped. 225. They make you change without hurting your self-esteem. When, in fact, we must be optimistic and supportive of ourselves. It just plain forms. [click_to_tweet tweet="Things are getting better all the time" quote="Things are getting better all the time" theme="style4] There are no stupid questions, just stupid people. Its alright if you dont agree with me, I cant force you to be right. It gets toad away. I am noticing that others are more drawn to me because I am funny. Walking into a room and then forgetting why I am here is my daily cardio. Theres no stopping me now. Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener. I'm amusing and people enjoy talking to me. Henny Youngman, 246. 161. Excuse me while I go on a ride on the porcelain steamer. 1. Give me a photo of you so I can show Santa what I want for Christmas. Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking terrible? I just go normal from time to time. 38. 268. It has many of the same goals as affirmations, as theyre both associated with positivity and happiness. 70. 265. 2. Never judge a book by its movie. 197. ". I am lazy till I get a motive. 149. Look, youre smiling! Relaxing the mind with some funny affirmations is an easy way to reduce stress and keep yourself grounded in moments of turmoil. 234. Funny Positive Affirmations For Work. To anybody I hurt this year, I just wanna say you deserve it. 130. 239. It is what we can make of the mess we have made of things.'. I am attractive just as I am. When they go away, its a brighter day. If I won the award for laziness, I would send somebody to pick it up for me. 43. I am too lazy to be lazy. Benjamin Franklin Whenever I am sad I go to my favorite place, the fridge. I create my life on a quantum level. Silence is golden, unless you have kids, then silence is just plain suspicious. 81. Live life to the fullest. My chins are a stairway to heaven. Never let a fool kiss you, or a kiss fool you. I wonder how police on bikes arrest people. Use them as a tool to boost your self-esteem and productivity, as well as to overcome procrastination and complete all assigned tasks. Sorry, I didnt pick up my phone, I got carried away dancing to the ringtone. My to-do list doesnt include dealing with negative people. 105. Tact is the ability to tell someone to go to hell in such a way that they look forward to the journey. You can tune a guitar, but you cant tuna fish. 48. Heres a list of important things to consider: Choosing the perfect affirmation from our list isnt much different. Funny affirmations for self-esteem are one way you can boost your mood in just minutes! Never take life seriously. Never let your best friends get lonely, keep disturbing them. 145. If Monday had a face, I would punch it. If you want to catch a squirrel just climb a tree and act like a nut. "Have a great Wednesday. It doesn't make sense to dwell on things you can't do anything about. 212. No matter how bad it gets, Im always rich when I go to the dollar store. document.getElementById( "ak_js_1" ).setAttribute( "value", ( new Date() ).getTime() ); Should I Send My Child to Therapy? I can always be fatter. 22. Whoever said great things come in small packages hasnt seen my big screen TV. I get it nowIm single because Im a superhero., See also: 140 Single Quotes For Instagram Celebrating Single Life. It will have a positive effect on your mind and body, and form an association between affirmations and a happy feeling. Never test how deep the water is with both feet. Dont forget to check out our post onlove yourself quotesandvision board quotesto attract positivity in your life. Whoever invented knock knock jokes should get a no bell prize. 199. The library, because it has so many stories. 74. I know that I am stupid but when I look around me I feel a lot better. 45. 7. An apple a day keeps anyone a way, if you throw it hard enough. 58. 203. 25. Life doesnt have any hands, but it can sure give you a slap sometimes. Build a bridge. 160. If you enjoyed reading these funny positive affirmations, make sure to bookmark this page for future reference, and share your favorite affirmations with your friends and family. Im lovely because everyone likes me more than Monday morning!, 7. You can write them down and use them whenever youre attending a social event or if you simply just want to make yourself laugh. It takes less time to do things right than to explain why you did it wrong. Henry Wadsworth Longfellow, 9. When I can laugh at myself, life becomes so much easier. Whenever I clean my closet I take a GPS with me, so I can find my way back. If people are talking behind your back, be happy that you are the one in front. I love my kids, which means I am doing just fine. This is because, in order to be funny, there are certain details that need to be perfectly delivered. 183. "Life is like an elevator - Sometimes it stops. The biggest critics of my books are the people who never read them. I dont need a psychologist to dig into my personal life and ask me about all of my secrets, thats what my friends are for!, 13. - Donald Trump. I like expensive things because I learn the act of taking care from them. I dont cross oceans for people who wouldnt cross puddles for me. To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer. what is the $5 special at ruby tuesdays today,